Love Behind Sad Eyes
by MyNameIsAzazel
Summary: "The world is sick of me." He told himself, over and over until he was convinced it was completely true. This is what lead him to his possibly final decision... Rated T for suicidal and triggering topics
1. Chapter 1

(Itsuki's POV)

I lay still in a place I was unfamiliar with. I believed myself to be dead. That had been my last intentions. My eyes suddenly shot open. I saw the ceiling. I saw the room. I was in hospital. Quickly, I sat up, too shocked to believe that my surroundings were real. Suddenly, my breathing ceased. I lay back down, clutching my chest, choking and coughing for breath. I lay pathetically wheezing in the hospital bed for no longer than a minute before multiple nurses and doctors burst through the door. They began pushing down on my chest and stomach, trying to get me breathing again. With one last, forceful push, I managed a deep breath in and slowly back out again. As they'd finished the job they were supposed to do, the nurses and doctors checked a few other things around the room, then left. Leaving me alone in the room by myself, panting and trying to remember what had happened. I sat up after I'd calmed down a bit. Something didn't feel right. I tugged the blankets off me and looked down at "Woah..." Even I was shocked. I'd lost way too much weight. Great. What? How was it great? Oh right. I'd attempted to starve myself to end my life. The process wasn't getting anywhere anytime fast. I remembered. To speed up the process, I had begun taking medication. It sure did speed it up. After two days of taking that stuff and nothing else, I knew that my heart was failing. I was in public at the time, but I couldn't just lay down and die there. I tried my best to disguise my pain as I ran somewhere quiet. Clutching my chest every step of the way, I finally found an alleyway. Still not the most convenient place, but I couldn't go any further. Breathing heavily, I closed my eyes and waited to die. Yet somehow I woke up. I was alive. I was still here. In hospital. The question of who could have brought me here filled my head. So much so, I didn't hear the door opening. I heard it close and my head shot up, as Kyon entered the room. I pulled the blankets back over me to cover up how slim I had let myself become. Kyon stood at the door, starring at me from the other side of the room. I started back, we must have looked like children, trying to lighten the mood by having a starring contest. The worst part though, was definitely the silence. Until he finally broke it.

"Koizumi..." He whispered in shock. His tone of voice surprised me. I felt my heart sinking in my chest. The tone in his voice displayed how worried he was exactly. Too worried for me to bare. Kyon continued to stand there, refusing to move or even say anything. I hated this damn silence.

"Hello." It was my turn to speak this time. I tried my best to stick to my usual, cheerful tone of voice, unfortunately, my feeling of sadness and guilt were mixed in with that tone. Kyon lowered his head. I saw his face go from sad to angry. He stormed over to me. The next feeling I had was pain, as he struck me around the face.

"Hello?!" He yelled at me. "We've been worried sick about your disappearance, only to get a call from the hospital telling me that you've been the victim of attempted suicide. Then after many weeks of worry and not being able to see you, all I get is a hello!?"

I had expected him to be mad. But I was still surprised. Worried?

"What possibly drove you to suicide anyway?" He calmed down. I turned my head away from him, preventing him from seeing my shocked expression and the tears forming in my eyes. This made me cry? I'm getting scolded, but it's not like I should be crying over it. I have been scolded before, don't get me wrong, but that's why I don't know why I'm crying. I wanted so desperately to say that I was sorry. But to be honest, I wasn't. I had wanted to end it all, but why was he so desperate to find out why. I could tell him, but I couldn't at that that point. He wasn't ready to hear it. To be honest, I don't think I was.

"Sorry," He apologised. I looked back at him, my face even more surprised than before. Why was he saying sorry? "You're in this state... So I shouldn't be bombarding you with questions." He sat down on the chair next to my bed and hid his face in his hands. My heart sunk even lower. Unable to believe he could have been this worried about me, I pulled the blanket off me again. Slowly, I pushed myself up off the bed and stood up. He looked up at me from the chair. This time, I didn't hide anything. I let him look. I let Kyon see just how skinny I was now that I had stopped eating entirely. He stood up too. Out of shock, I guess.

"Oh god." I saw him put his hand to his mouth as he looked me up and down. "You... You..." He searched for the right words to say to me, but no matter what, couldn't complete his sentence.

"I'm sorry." I finally managed to apologise.

"Why...?" He asked through his fingers. "Why would you...?" Again, he couldn't finish what he had to say. But I knew what he wanted to know. Again, I wasn't ready to tell him. He still wasn't ready to know.

"How long have you not been eating. How long has this been going on for Koizumi?" Kyon frowned at me.

"I don't know." I lied, looking down at myself again. I did know. I hadn't been eating properly for around a month, which wouldn't be enough to kill me, but then came the medication. But only two days of that had brought me to my near death experience. But that wasn't the only thing that had lead me here. Then I remembered the other question I had to ask.

"Kyon," I started. He lowered his hand and looked me in the eye. "Who brought me here? It clearly wasn't you if you didn't know I was here, so do you know who?" Kyon smiled.

"Well, you were lucky," he said, rather smoothly. "Lucky that Mr Arakawa was around to find you."

That got me. Saying I wasn't surprised then would be just a lie. An obvious one. Mr Arakawa? He had saved me? Then I was angry. Lucky was I? I wanted nothing more than to die and when I was finally there, so close, he'd come to 'rescue' me.

"But right now," Kyon said. "You need to eat and then go straight to sleep, okay?" He smiled at me again. I gave him a reassuring nod. Another lie. I wasn't going to eat, but sleep. I needed sleep. Both of us knew that. But with that last remark, Kyon turned and left, leaving me alone again. I sat back down on the bed and covered myself back up. I sat motionless for a few minutes. I slowly tugged back at the covers an looked down at me again. I lifted up my shirt and looked at my ribs, then my side. I put my hand to my side and measured my width with my thumb and forefinger. I pulled my hand away and dropped my shirt back down. Looking at the distance in between my fingers horrified me. There was little more than a few centimetres that separated them. I knew then, that I'd lost even more weight than I'd thought. How utterly awful I looked. How utterly awful I felt. Heart sinking even lower, I lay down and fell asleep.

"I'm a slow dying flower,

Frost killing hour/span/em/strong/p  
The sweet turning sour

And Untouchable..."


	2. Chapter 2

For the next month, I just slept mostly. I had started eating again, but that didn't mean I was going to just give up plans to end my life. That's right. I was still far too unhappy to want to stay with this world. I had began eating again, just not eating as regularly as I did before I became the wreck I am now. I would eat one small meal a day and that was it. Kyon regularly called to check on me. But each time he asked to come and see me, I would simply say no. I wouldn't give him a reason why. Actually, he never asked, so I kind of assumed he knew why. This went on for around two months before, despite me saying no only a few minutes ago, Kyon came to see me in hospital.

"Why'd you come?" I asked as he walked through the door. "I keep asking you not to."

"Exactly." He smiled at me. I replied with a simple, yet meaningful, annoyed expression.

"No point making that face at me. I'm not leaving." He said as he sat down on the chair next to me. "Here." He handed me a small bag. Opening it, I found a small pot, containing onigirimeshi and another containing miso soup. I hadn't eaten yet that day, so I was fine to eat.

"Have you eaten anything yet today?" He asked.

"Not yet." I replied, opening the miso soup and swallowing a mouthful. Delicious. It was so good. Definitely the best I've ever had.

"Make sure you eat all of that then." Kyon smiled. That wouldn't be a problem at all. I begun eating really fast. I really couldn't help it. The food was great. I wondered if he had made it himself. Clearly he picked this up.

"Is it good?"

I stopped for a little bit and smiled at him.

"Yeah."

"That's good."

Until I finished eating, the rest was silence. Perhaps he was just checking to see if I was going to eat it all. I finished the meal and left nothing. I looked up at Kyon, who seemed happy that I'd eaten everything. Yet, seeing this made me sad, guilt filled my heart. I hated that I felt guilty. And worse, the silence.

"So uh..." I started. "Did you make that yourself."

"Yeah."

"It was delicious."

Kyon looked up at me, a serious expression on his face. He had something on his mind and I could tell there was something wrong.

"Have you been eating properly everyday?" He asked.

This time, I knew I'd better tell the truth. At least it wasn't so bad this time.

"I've been eating as much as I can handle."

Which is how much?"

That was it. If I told him, he'd get mad, I knew he would.

"One meal a day." I told him, lowering my head.

"I see." He turned his head away from me. I couldn't believe he wasn't scolding me again. Only one meal was no where near enough.

"It's better than nothing." He laughed.

"Yeah." I smiled, understanding why he wasn't angrier.

"Well," Kyon stood up. "I really only came to check to see if you'd eat.

"Well thanks." I smiled.

"I'll be going now." And with that, he left.

I sat for a little while, wondering if telling the truth was the best choice to make. He seemed okay with it. So I was too. I leaned over to the table on the other side of me and picked up my phone. I looked through my contacts until I found the number of Asahina-San.

I pressed call, pulled the phone to my ear and waited for her to answer.

At last, she picked up.

"Hello?" Mikuru's voice came through the phone.

"Hey." I replied.

"K-Koizumi?!" She gasped.

"Yes Asahina-San."

"Oh my goodness. Are you alright?"

"Yes. I'm okay."

"Good. Kyon told us everything after he came to see you."

"I kind of thought he would."

"So why did you call?"

"I wanted to know how much he's told you."

"Just that you're in really bad shape at the moment."

"So nothing about why I'm in hospital?"

"No. Only he got a call and it seemed to really scare him. I guess he doesn't want to scare us too."

"I see." I sat up in bed.

"Would you tell me?"

"I CANT!" I shot, standing up.

"Why not?"

I calmed down slightly before replying. "Because I also don't want you to be scared."

"Oh. Alright then. How long will you be in hospital for?"

"Only another week."

"Great."

"Okay then. Bye Asahina-San."

"Bye."

She hung up. I was instantly then filled with rage. I threw the phone onto the floor and sat down.

"Don't worry!" I said through gritted teeth. "Why are you all so worried. You wouldn't have been before." I just stood there for a while, not realising that my legs had begun to shake. Eventually, they gave up trying to keep me upright. I fell to my knees on the floor, feeling weak, distant, even alone. I felt a fresh layer of tears forming in my eyes. I wiped them away and, using the bed for support, stood back up, got into bed and fell asleep. After the week to follow, I was going to finish the job I set out to do last time. This time though, I'll complete it successfully.

"I have to try,

To break free,

From the thoughts,

In my mind..."


	3. Chapter 3

They ran a few tests to see if I was fit enough to leave and go home. Thankfully, all my test results were positive ones, and they let me leave. I was told to stay out of school and work for the next thirty days. Thirty days was enough. Enough to decide whether or not I wanted to die. And if I did, how would I go about doing that.

I got home just before mid day. I unlocked my front door and stepped inside. For a moment, I just paused and stood just inside the hall, taking in all the familiar smells, sights and atmosphere. I was living by myself for the time being, which of course I was okay with. After standing in place for a few moments, I shut the door behind me and made my way to the living room. I sat down on the way-too-comfortable couch and let myself get lost in my thoughts. I just lay on the couch for a little bit, starring out the window. My train of thought was interrupted by the sudden sound of the front door opening. I sat up quickly. I heard it close again, so I stood up, curiosity preventing me from going anywhere.

"Koizumi?" I heard Kyon call from the hall.

Relieved that it was only him, I entered the hall.

"So this is your place."

"Yeah," I replied, confused. "What are you doing here anyway?"

"I was told to come and look after you."

"Who told you to do that?"

"The hospital."

"Wha-?!"

"They said they're getting counselling for you."

"Counselling?!"

"Uh-huh. Said you were on suicide watch."

"Suicide watch?!"

"But they wanted me to come and see you today."

I stood there in the hall, glaring at Kyon angrily. No, it was more than angry. Even saying that I was livid doesn't do the feeling justice. It was more that I'd ever felt before.

"But I've gotta ask you something." He continued.

"What?"

"Why did you try and kill your self?"

My anger just increased. He'd already asked me that, but this time , it really got me fired up. I guess he picked up on how angry I was, as he turned away.

"Okay. It's obvious you don't want to tell anyone."

"Of course I want to tell someone," I shot back at him. "I do want to tell somebody. Who, I don't know, but I'm not ready to tell anyway. Nor am I ready to let myself say it."

"Koizumi, are you telling me you don't even know yourself?"

"Of course I do. But I can't hear the reason said aloud. I can't say it at all."

Just then, I had a thought. Why did I want it. So bad anyway? I wanted death more than anything. No. I was more crazy about death than an obsessive high school girl thinking about her crush or favourite band. It was terrible.

"Okay," Kyon continued. "But whenever you wanna tell..."

I grabbed him by the collar of his shirt.

"When I want to tell, I'll tell. Until then, keep my attempted suicide a secret like you have been."

"Okay, okay. I never thought you could be so scary."

To be honest, neither did I. I let him go.

"Sorry." I stared into his eyes, checking to see if he was lying. Seeing that he wasn't going to tell, I sighed.

"It's fine," he smiled. "I understand fully."

"Good," I quickly decided to change the subject by saying anything but something to do with the last few months. "Want something to eat?"

"Yeah."

I heard a voice that I knew,

And I couldn't walk away.

It took me back to end,

of everything.

I taste it all, I taste it all,

The tears, again


	4. Chapter 4

AN: thank you Runime for your review ^_^ I hope this story meets your expectations. Also, thanks for the inspiration.

Kyon sat at the kitchen table, in complete silence. It seemed whatever happened, it always seemed to end in the same silence ever since he found out about the reason that I had been in hospital. I stood on the opposite side of the kitchen from him, leaning against the wall. I had a small cup of coffee in my hands, warming them, despite it already being really warm.

"Well...?" Kyon asked suddenly.

"What?" I asked.

"You gonna tell yet?"

I sighed, annoyed that he asked again.

"I'll let you know when, if, I ever tell you."

"Well, how about another question?"

"What question?"

"What do you think of the world?"

Shocked by this question, I couldn't give an answer and the silence returned. It surely was his attempt at getting me to say something stupid, something he can follow up to by saying something like, 'then why do you want to leave it all?' The world was once a wonderland for me. I thought again and decided it was better if I told him the truth.

"I used to love the world," I started. Kyon looked up at me with a slightly surprised expression. I looked back at him with an expression of sadness and longing. "A beautiful place. A wonderland for everyone to share and do as they please. But as I grew up, I found the last part to not all be true. I couldn't do what I wanted and neither could everyone else. Not all of the time anyway. But now, I find it beautiful still, just not at all the right place for me. Not anymore. I can tell, it's bored of me and so am I."

"So you want to throw away a perfectly good life, because you're bored?" He asked after I had finished talking.

"No. I want to go because I know it'll be better for everyone that way." This was also the truth. What I really believed.

"Who says?"

"I do. I can tell."

"How can you tell?"

"I don't know, I just can."

"What's the best thing about the world?"

At first, I thought this was a pretty random question, so I chose to answer.

"I think that'd be both nature and the people."

"Best out of those two." He shot back at me.

"Uhm... Nature...?" I answered, surprised slightly.

"Hm..."

And again, we were surrounded by that god-foresaken silence. I looked it of the window, not saying anything. I opened my mouth and took a breath, ready to speak.

"Tree..."

"Excuse me?" Kyon asked.

"It's what it means. My name."

"Really?"

"Yeah."

"I think it suits you." He smiled.

"Yeah. Both of their roles and importance are eventually forgotten about. Then, both left to die without anyone givng a passing glance."

"That's not what I meant at all."

"It's what I mean." I put the coffee down on the table and sat opposite him. Placing my elbows on the table, I put my face in my hands. I pulled my hair back, out of my face, and then, let it all fall back into place. It was my way of showing stress through simply moving.

"I meant how trees grow to be really magnificent." Kyon smiled again.

"Ne?" I asked, confused, placing my hands on the table.

"It's true. I meant that you're gonna become something great someday."

"That's what you think."

"I don't just think. I know."

"How do you know?"

"Hm..." He thought. I could tell by the smug look on his face that he was about to say something that both had meaning and also really annoy me. "I don know how I know" -I knew where this was going- "I just know that I know, you know?" He beamed at me, smugly.

I reached over and gently pushed him, whilst raising my other hand and resting my forehead upon it.

"Hey. You said it yourself."

"I know I did." I continued to stare down at the table.

"Not that, something else."

I looked up at him, puzzled.

"You said that you still thought this world was wonderful. So, see how wonderful exactly it can be"

This confused me even more.

"Come on." He stood up and grabbed my wrist, practically forcing me to stand up and dragging me down the hall and through the front door. Where we were going, I had no idea.

And I find it kinda funny,

I find it kinda sad.

The dreams in which I'm dying,

Are the best I've ever had...


	5. Chapter 5

We walked through town after town, past multiple crowds of people, before we finally came to a halt.  
"Could you please tell me where we're going?" I asked, just after we had stopped.  
"We're going somewhere that'll shock everyone." Kyon replied, grinning back at me. I frowned slightly and sighed.  
"Okay then." I decided to not ask again.  
"Come on." He turned to face me.  
"Ugh." Unwillingly, I followed close behind him.  
Again, we went through multiple crowds of people, loosing each other (though sometimes I got lost on purpose) every once in a while. Until he stopped completely.  
"Close your eyes." He whispered.  
I did as he said. I felt his grab my wrist, leading me to someplace that I didn't know of.  
"Open 'em." He let go of my hand.  
I opened my eyes. In front of me, were cherry blossom trees. Not just any cherry blossom trees though.  
"This is where Suzumiya-San shot some of the movie, right?" I didn't need to ask. I recognised it.  
"Yeah," Kyon folded his arms. "Seems like a long time ago now, doesn't it?"  
"Yeah. Hard to think it wasn't that long ago we were recording around here."  
"So you agree?"  
"What does it seem like?" I asked, sarcastically.  
"Only joking."  
"So, why did you bring me here?"  
"No reason. Just wanted to show you stuff."  
"What stuff?"  
"Two words; tree and nature."  
I glared at him with an aggravated face.  
"No point."  
"What?"  
"No point looking at me like that."  
"Oh well." I smiled, turning away.  
"It's scary." He muttered.  
"What's scary?"  
"You are," he started. "You're seventeen and already want to give up on absolutely everything."  
"Well, that's my problem."  
"It's mine now too."  
"What could possibly make this your problem?!" I yelled at him.  
"Well, we're friends after all."  
I stared down at my feet. This time, there was no feeling of guilt and nothing of sadness either. I felt okay with what he'd just said. I felt okay with the fact that what he said previously was correct. He was right after all. I shouldn't be giving up this young, but I also spoke the truth. The world is bored of me. If I had no further purpose, ambitions, will, motivation, then what was the point?  
"I'll come to you..." I muttered, staring at the ground.  
"Huh?" Kyon looked at me.  
"When I need to tell somebody, you'll be my first choice. That way I get it out of the way and you know why as well"  
"Right." He smiled slightly.  
I smiled back, trying to fight back the anger and sadness that came with telling him that he'd be the first one I told. Surprisingly, it even shocked me. There was no backing out of it now. I didn't want to tell him, and if I'm going to be honest, the exact reason wasn't really something that I wanted him to know. Yet at the same time, I felt bad. He was trying his best to reach out to me, to help. But no matter what, I would refuse to speak about it. He didn't know and wouldn't for a long time to come.  
"I don't deserve this." I told him.  
"What makes you say that?" Kyon asked.  
"Well, I know you're just trying to help, but I guess I'm just not letting you."  
"Yeah, that's true."  
"Oh, so now you agree."  
"Yup. Because it's not absolute crap." Kyon begun walking away.  
"Wow." I replied, following.  
"Yeah. True, you're not letting me help," he started. "But that doesn't mean you don't deserve the help you're turning down."  
I glared at him, trying to make him tell me the truth. After a short while, I realised he was telling me the truth. I gave up.  
"Give me one reason," I yelled. "One reason you think I deserve your help!"  
He stared at me in shock and horror. Even I was surprised. Had I really just yelled at him for that? He sighed, but then smiled.  
"One reason, huh?" He started. "I could give a few more if you'd like me to."  
"Fine. Give me all the reasons you have."  
"Reason number 1; you're a pain in the ass sometimes, but you're fun to talk to."  
"Yeah, right." I didn't believe him. Not at all.  
"Reason number 2; there are other people who want you to have the help offered as well."  
"Hmph."  
"Reason number 3..." He paused and smiled at me even more. "Reason number three is that you've always been there to help us. I want to return the favour."  
I looked at him with an expressionless face.  
"Just let me help you." Kyon stepped forwards towards me.  
I stood still, thinking.  
"Okay," I started. "I'll let you try to help me. But that doesn't mean I won't..."  
He raised his hand, telling me to stop talking.  
"Doesn't mean you won't try again," he sighed. "I guess I can live with that. It's all the more reason to help really."  
I accepted. Nodding, I smiled at him. A tired and weak smile, but still a smile.  
"Let's go."  
"Where now?"  
"Back to your place."  
"Ne?" I tilted my head slightly.  
"This is what I wanted to show you."  
"This?"  
"Yes. The cherry blossoms. Blooming pretty early, but they look amazing."  
"Yeah."  
"I also wanted to talk to you about helping out. Those are the two things that I brought you here to do."  
"I see."  
A pause. We were both deep in thought and I could feel it.  
"Well, you coming?" Kyon asked, walking past me.  
"Uhm, yeah." I replied, catching up to him.

My heads underwater,  
But I'm breathing fine.  
You're crazy and  
I'm out of my mind


	6. Chapter 6

Kyon called a car to take us back to my place.

"Hey Koizumi," he started. "Where are your parents?"

"Oh. I live alone. Temporarily." I replied, staring down at my feet. I was still thinking about earlier.

"Why is that?" He asked.

"They're busy and it was more convenient for all of us," I sat back in the seat and sighed. "This way, I can get on with my studies and they can work."

"Are they part of your organisation?"

I looked at him, a confused look on my face.

"Why? Why're you asking?"

He put his face in his hands and sighed at me.

"You just tried to kill yourself and your parents are too busy working to see you?" He mumbled.

"Seems that way." I leaned forwards slightly.

"Fine then." Kyon leaned back in his seat.

The both of us sat still and quiet until we got back to my home.

"So what now?" He asked, standing in front of me in the hall.

"If I'm going to be honest," I said, running my fingers through part of my tangled hair. "I need to take a shower."

"I'll wait for you."

"Feel free to watch TV." I put my coat on the table, pointing to the living room.

"Thanks." He said back, sitting on the couch.

I made my way to the bathroom.

The shower was really meant to make me relax. The truth was, it made me feel worse. Each drop burned. The water wasn't too hot, but I somehow felt stressed and incomplete. I thought about the past few months. About waking up in hospital. About having help forced upon me by everybody. It all played through my mind like a far-too-real movie. It was real. All of it. I stared up at the ceiling, letting the water from the shower to run down my face and neck. I couldn't hold back anymore. The layer of tears reappeared in my eyes. I didn't wipe them away. I just let them flow down my face, disguised by the water running down me from the shower.

"Why am I still here?" I muttered to myself, shutting my eyes, stopping the rest of tears pouring down. They quickly opened back up, as I continued to cry.

Once I was done with my shower, I dried off as quick as I could. I looked out he window. The sun was setting. I dried myself and pulled out my pyjamas. Once I'd put them on, I went back downstairs, to find Kyon still on the couch watching TV.

"Took you long enough." He laughed.

"Yeah, whatever." I sighed, sitting beside him.

"So, you feel any better?" He asked, looking my way. He stopped as he saw my face. Sitting up straight, he began staring at me.

"What?" I asked.

"What's this?" He pointed to the tears now forming in the corners of my eyes.

"Nothing." I wiped them dry hastily.

"Are you crying?" He asked.

I stayed silent.

"You are," he paused. "Woah. Never thought I'd see you cry."

"I'm not crying." I yelled.

Kyon placed his hands on my shoulders, turning me around.

"You did just miss that though." I admitted.

"You were crying in the shower?" He asked, a look of sympathy on his face.

"Well..." I paused for a minute, fighting back newly forming tears. "Yeah..."

He pulled me closer to him, holding in a friendly embrace. At first, I was surprised. But after a little while, I began clinging to him, hugging him back. He rubbed my back, calming me down, stopping the tears.

"You'll be okay." Kyon whispered.

I buried my face in his chest, hiding.

"Yeah." I managed to mutter.

"Reason number 4; some people give great hugs."

I looked up at him. He smiled back at me.

I pulled away from him, breaking our embrace.

"So... It's getting late." Kyon pointed out, clearly feeling awkward.

"Yeah." I sighed.

"But you can't be here by yourself at the moment."

I shook my head, sighing.

"So..."

"What?"

"So I'm staying here tonight."

I sat silently for the next few hours.

We both did. Neither of us were interested in the things on TV, but it was a way to pass the time and we were fine with whatever made it pass faster.

Eventually, I got tired. I yawned, my eyelids heavy.

"Tired?" Kyon asked.

"Only a little."

"Then go to sleep."

I nodded and stood up. My legs were wobbly. They didn't hold for long. I began to sway on my feet before beginning to fall forward. Kyon lunged forward, catching me before I hit the floor.

"Are you alright?" He asked, concerned.

"Yeah." I stood up straight and headed for the door.

"You really should go straight to bed."

"Where'd you think I'm going?" I called back.

He followed me to my room.

"Everything okay?" He asked, standing beside me, as I sat on my bed.

"Yeah." I replied, pulling the covers over myself and lying down.

"I'm going to sleep on the floor." He turned away from me and sat on the ground.

I felt kind of bad then.

"No." I sat back up.

"Huh?" He asked, looking at me.

"You take the bed. You're the guest."

"But you're the one on suicide watch."

"It wouldn't hurt to just accept an act of kindness."

"But still_"

"Take the goddamn bed."

He gave in. We switched places, him in the bed and me on the floor. All seemed okay.

The night passed slowly. It got to about midnight before I started shivering.

"Cold?" Kyon asked.

I looked up, surprised that he was still awake.

"A little. But it's okay."

"If you get sick, you'll only feel worse when it comes to your mood."

"Ne?"

"Come up here." He said, pulling the covers up.

"Uhm... I'm okay."

"You told me to take the bed, now I'm telling you to get up here. Accept my act of kindness."

Dead end. With no other choice, I got up onto the bed and lay next to him. He pulled the blanket down over both of us, embracing me underneath it all. I felt my face go red. It was just a hug. Why was I getting so excited.

I looked at Kyon. Fast asleep.

Or so I thought...

All of my life,

All of my tears.

All of my dreams,

And all of my fears.

Ive had to learn,

To let then fall.

Because they don't own me at all.


	7. Chapter 7

I woke up late the next morning. I sat up and yawned, stretching. Scratching my head, I stared down at the figure that lay next to me.

"Morning." Kyon mumbled, facing away from me.

I gasped, shocked that he was awake too.

"Uhm, morning." I quickly replied.

"Sleep well?" He asked.

"I guess so." I stuttered, remembering how he'd practically forced me onto the bed with him and held me until I fell asleep.

"What about you?"

"I didn't sleep at all."

"Really? Why's that?"

"I felt like I needed to check you wouldn't try anything stupid after I fell asleep."

"What? You thought I would've waited for you to sleep and then..." I paused, seeing the look on his face. He was glaring back at me. "I'm sorry." I sighed.

"Just didn't want you to slit your throat or something like that." He turned away from me again.

I stood up and headed for the door. I took a quick glance back at the clock. Mid-day exactly. I left the room and went to bathroom.

Half way through washing my face, Kyon appeared at the door.

"So..." He said, an annoyed look on his face.

"What?" I asked back.

"Any thoughts?"

"Ne?" I tilted my head, confused.

"Any... You know..."

"Suicidal plans?" I asked, slightly annoyed.

"Yeah."

"Not right now."

"Why?"

I stopped.

"You're really strange," I shook my head at him. "First you're trying to stop me getting them, now you're asking me why I haven't got any."

"Just answer me."

"Guess I just can't think of any."

"Reason number 5; no one's going to help you with new methods of killing yourself." Kyon sighed, leaning against the door frame.

I shook my head at him. He looked back at me with a smug grin.

I went downstairs after washing my face. Rummaging through the fridge for something to eat, I realised that during the last few months, I hadn't had the chance to go shopping, due to the fact that I was in hospital.

"Hey Kyon," I called to him. "I need to go to the store.

"Sure." He called back.

I waited for him to say anything else. It seemed okay for me to just go. But...

"But I'm coming too." He said, following me out the front door.

"I knew it." I sighed, closing and locking the door.

"So what exactly do you need?"

"Everything. Haven't been home over the past few months, remember."

"Oh, right. Sorry. I'd already forgotten." He replied in a slightly sarcastic tone

"I totally believe you." I said just as sarcastically.

"Hey. Of course I remembered. I'm not that stupid."

"Didn't need to tell me that. I already figured you'd remembered."

"Yeah. Well..."

"What do you want to eat by the way?"

"Actually, I'm not too hungry."

"Yeah I totally believe that too."

It was November, and boy was it cold. There was frost on the ground and the air was foggy and damp.

"Sure is cold today." Kyon shivered slightly.

"It'll be warmer when we get there."

"I know."

"Then stop moaning." I shot, slightly annoyed. I was still tired and the last thing I'd wanted was him to follow me around.

"Whatever you buy, you'd better eat it." He smiled.

"Oh yeah?"

"Still way too skinny."

"Whatever."

"I'm being serious."

"So you have been for the last couple of months."

"And you think the something wrong with that?"

"Nothing at all."

We finally arrived at the store.

"So tell me exactly what you need. I'll help out."

"Well…"

I started listing things that were needed. With his help, Kyon and I were out of the store quicker than we thought.

"Thank you." I smiled.

"No problem." He chuckled back.

"No really. Thank you."

We arrived back at my place. Kyon got straight to work on making lunch. However, when I asked to help, he simply told me to 'take it easy'.

"You've still got to rest, eat and everything else. Just because you're out of hospital, doesn't mean you're off the hook."

Off what hook? It was getting rather strange, but the more I thought about it, the more I realised that it was still his attempt to help me out. It's true that I had no plans for suicide at that moment in time. We both knew this. But I was, as he mentioned before, far too skinny. He was tying his best to make me healthy again. So that I could got back to school and so that I could continue with work. The support he was giving me, I still didn't believe I deserved, even bough he was giving me all these reasons to accept it. As if on cue, I heard Kyon's voice from the kitchen.

"Reason number 6; there's good food." He laughed slightly, placing the miso soup in front if me. I shook my head at him sarcastically. He sat down next to me as I ate, clearly checking to see if I'd finish the food. I did finish. But I sat silently for a while afterwards.

"What's wrong?" Kyon asked.

"Nothing," I sighed. "I'm going to watch TV for a bit."

"Fair enough."

He watched me stand up and leave the room.

I went to the living room, turned on the TV and just sat down. I didn't care about what was being shown. Not at all. I lay down on the couch and after a while, fell asleep.

I woke up hours later. I was in bed. I glanced over at the clock beside me. It was 10:15 pm. Had I really slept that long?

I made my way towards the living room. There, I saw Kyon lying on the couch, asleep. I glanced around the empty hall. There was something I needed to do I needed to do is as soon as possible.

I unlocked the front door and ran outside, locking the door behind me. I looked through the window to check that he hadn't heard me leave. I saw no signs of him. With that, I began running. I ran through town to a place I was too familiar with. I ran to a small cafe on the other side of town. There I saw him, dressed as finely as ever, looking as polite and gentle as he was last time I saw him. Standing there, was Mr Arakawa.

"Arakawa!" I yelled.

He turned towards me, eyes widening as he saw me coming towards him.

"Well, you seem to be doing rather well-"

"Why?" I cut him off.

"Why what?"

"Why did you save me?"

He glanced around, nervously.

"Let's talk inside." He placed his hand on my shoulder and lead me inside the cafe...

Tell them all I know now.

Shout it from the rooftop.

Write it on the skyline.

All we had is gone now.


	8. Chapter 8

Sho: GAAAAHHHH! This took so long and I know it did... But anyway, onto reviews.

Guest: I kinda hope Haruhi doesn't show up in this story.

Sho: sorry to disappoint, but she does. Only for one part if it though. The rest is haruhi-free!

end of A/N

"I was simply taking a walk through the town when I heard something," Mr Arakawa explained to me. "I heard the sound of heavy breathing coming from the alleyway I was close to."

The two of us sat in a small cafe, the stars appearing in the night sky, outside.

"Continue." I muttered, taking a sip of tea.

"I decided to have a look to see what the source was. When I saw that it was you, I froze. I was worried and couldn't move. Until it all went quiet and your breathing ceased. I tried to wake you up, but you wouldn't."-Well of course.- "I took you straight to the hospital. As for the state you were in..." He hesitated for a bit. "Well, I thought you were already dead by the time we got there."

"Really?" I asked, shocked.

"Yes. Your eyes were half open, you had gone completely limp and you still weren't breathing. Luckily, they managed to bring you back, however, you were unconscious for around three weeks."

"Three weeks, huh?" I looked down at the table.

"You had everybody worried. I requested that the hospital only called Kyon to tell only him about what had happened to you, Koizumi ."

"I see." I continued to stare at the table. I didn't know what else I could say. All of this seemed too unreal. But I knew it was. The image of all of this happening was unimaginable. It was all true. All real. All of this had happened and I was the one to blame for it.

"And in case you were wondering, I was also worried." Mr Arakawa added.

"Oh."

"I understand that you don't know how to respond to all of this."

"I don't at all." I sighed, gazing out the window.

"If I may ask..."

"Don't." I didn't let him ask his question. I knew he was going to ask why. Why had I chosen suicide as my answer. I'd already made my choice. If I was going to tell anyone, he wouldn't be my first choice.

"I understand." He took a small sip of tea.

"Good," I whispered. "So, is there anything else you needed to tell me?"

"Actually, yes there is."

"Fire away." I sighed.

"You could tell someone if you need help."

I stared at him, shocked. It seemed pleasantly out of character for him, but I was also caught off guard by the comment itself. He then continued. "There are people who would be delighted to help you and I struggle to see why you can't see that yourself. My, I can name many who'd do anything for you in your hour of need."

At that point, I couldn't, but the look on his face told me that he was telling the truth. I turned away, hiding the fresh layer of tears on my eyes. I stared out the window, seeing the rain starting to pour down.

"I hope your parents come to see you at some point. I also hope for your safety. As there are people that love, care for and respect you as a person. They wouldn't be so happy if something happened to you." He finished.

I couldn't take it anymore. People were telling me that I would be fine, when quite clearly, I wasn't going to be. I was too confused to believe anyone. I stood up, quickly, bringing my hand up to my face, hiding my now flowing tears. I had to go. I ran past him and right out of the door.

I ran to the other side of town, as I did when I went to find Mr Arakawa. I was tired. It was dark. I was alone again. No one was around at all. I looked up from the path below my feet. I was close to home. I was standing just outside a huge apartment complex. Guilt, sadness, loneliness all piling up on top of me, I headed towards it.

Luckily, I didn't have to live there to enter. I took the elevator right to the top. In front of me, there was a final set of stairs. I took a step towards them and thought one last time. Was I really going to do this? This time, the answer came easier than each time before. Yes. I wasn't going to be stopped either. I walked up the final flight of stairs. I was on the roof of the building. This was it. I stood right on the edge, just in front of the railing. I stared down at the ground below. I was ready. This would be my last moment. I leaned over the edge slightly, preparing myself for what I was about to do.

"KOIZUMI!" I heard from behind me. I turned around, trying not to let go of the barrier just yet. I turned around to see Kyon standing there, looking extremely pale.

"Kyon? What are you doing here?"

"Don't tell me you were about to jump." He yelled.

My expression changed from surprised to serious. I nodded at him.

"Koizumi..." He stopped. Kyon took a deep breath and stormed over to me, just as he did when he saw me in hospital. And also, as he did when he came to see me, slapped me in the face.

"Koizumi, why are you still doing this?" He asked, grabbing me by the wrist, desperately trying to stop me from falling. "You know how worried I was to wake up and find you gone, only to find you here?"

I stayed silent, clueless of what to do or say.

"You really want to throw it all away? Are you sure this is what you want?" He continued to yell at me.

"Yes." I yelled back.

He stood in silence, a look of worry and fear on his face. That quickly turned to anger.

"Why?!" He screamed.

"It's sick of it!"

"What's sick of what?!"

"The world is sick of me!"

"..."

"..."

"Why do you think that?"

"Think about it. Who wouldn't be sick of me? With all my fake acts, never truthful about how I feel. Who could put up with that?" There it was. That was the reason for me wanting to die. I'd finally said it. He finally knew.

"I have. I put up with it."

"Yeah, but you hate it too, don't you?" They returned. All the tears that I'd held back whilst talking to him. This time, Kyon was to see them.

"I am tired of it, bu-"

"See. If even you're tired of it, who isn't? Who else could there be?"

"Listen to me!" He yelled, louder than I've ever heard him yell before. "Yes, I'm tired of your fake acts, but it's not like I want you gone because of it."

I just stood there, shocked, the tears still pouring down my face, hardly disguised by the rain.

"I've been able to see past that over the past month. And I know you can be the real you. The real you that I..." He paused.

"That you what?"

"... That I've been able to see."

"How could you see the real me? All I ever show you are my acts."

"I know. But if you just give this up, give life up... You'll never become the one behind that mask of yours."

"How can I when I don't even know who I am myself anymore?" I asked, desperate trying to stop the tears. "All of this is so confusing. The act I have at school, for work, at home... I don't know which is me anymore."

Kyon smiled, the worry still clear to see in his face.

"This is you," he muttered, caressing my face, gently. "These genuine tears, this genuine feeling of sadness. I know that somewhere deep down, there is that genuine smile that I've always been longing to see. One that's so much more than the one I see at school. That is you."

I stared deep into his eyes. Seeing that he was being truthful about all of this, I stepped over the low railing. It was then that he finally let go of my arm. I stared done at my feet for a while. I sudden felt his strong arms wrapped around me, pulling me into a caring embrace. I wrapped my own arms around his neck, resting my head on his shoulder.

"I can't be me again." I muttered.

"You can. I know you can." Kyon muttered back.

"What makes you so sure?"

"Don't make me tell you again."

"I see." I closed my eyes and let my face go red. I didn't care about it anymore. I was safe, and I was safe with him. That's what mattered to me. Eventually, he let go of me, but gently took hold of my face instead. He could see how red I was, that I was still crying.

"Stop those tears. Don't be so sad." He whispered.

"I can't. I can't stop after I start like this." I shut my eyes again, attempting to force them back.

There was a sudden feeling. The feeling of something touching my lips. My eyes shot open, seeing him. He had come closer to me. And he had begun to kiss me. After a little while, he pulled back.

"You stopped crying." He whispered.

I saw the look on his face. He was blushing too.

"Yeah." I smiled at him, weakly.

"Calmed down a bit now?" He asked.

"No." I lied.

"Then let's try again." He grinned.

With that, he kisses me again, his time, I kissed back, wrapping my arms around his neck again, as he wrapped his around my waist. We held each other like this for a few minutes, before we both stepped back away from each other.

Kyon looked up at the night sky.

"We should get back now. It's really late."

I looked down at my watch. It was now ten minutes until midnight.

"Yeah." I smiled up at him again.

He grabbed my hand and lead to the stairwell. All I could think about was what had just happened. It had felt strange, weird, yet somehow, lovely and so right. I didn't know what to do about it, but I wasn't going to forget about it. Not for a very long time.

I have been where you are before.

And I have felt the pain of losing who you are.

And I have died so many times,

But I am still alive.


	9. Chapter 9

The next morning, I woke up on the couch. I looked around through half opened eyes. I was already sitting up. I looked to one side of me and saw Kyon sitting beside me, seemingly, still asleep. He had his arm around me and it seemed as though I had been sleeping with my head on his shoulder. I felt embarrassed and my face flushed a deep red. I quickly stood up and left the room. I went straight to the kitchen and got myself a glass of water.

Leaning against the counter, taking tiny sips of the water, I thought about he events of the previous night. We'd kissed. That was it, but the memory burned in my mind. My face heated up as I again, blushed a deep red.

"Hey." I heard Kyon say as he walked into the room.

"Oh, hey." I muttered, quietly.

"Are you okay?"

"Yeah."

"Reason 7..."

I was dreading this. I didn't want to hear the next reason. He continued.

"I personally don't want you to die." He smiled.

I sighed a sigh of relief. At least it wasn't about... That.

"Really?" I asked, sarcastically.

"Yes." He sighed.

I laughed slightly.

"Why're you laughing?" Kyon asked.

"No reason."

"You're crazy."

"It's not the first time you've told me that."

"Really?"

"Mhm." I nodded, smiling.

"Okay then." He walked over to me, slowly. Wrapping his arms around my waist, he pulled me closer to him.

"Are you really ok?" He whispered.

"Yes. Of course I am." I turned away slightly.

"Look me in the eyes and tell me that."

I turned my head to face him. I hesitated slightly before taking a deep breath and saying it.

"I'm okay." I stared deep into his eyes. "Happy now?"

"Yes." He smiled.

We stood still for a short while. I was very deep in thought.

"Confusing." Kyon muttered.

"What?"

"You're normally really confusing."

"Oh, I see."

"You're changing rapidly because of this... This..."

"Suicide problem?"

"Well, yeah."

I looked down at my feet, an awkward feeling overcoming me. He slowly let go of my waist.

"I'll get breakfast." I muttered, moving away. "What do you want?"

"I'll have nothing."

"Ne?"

"I'm not hungry... Yet."

"Okay. Just get something when you are."

"Okay."

I went to stand over to the side to get some food, unaware that I was being watched. After a little while, I glanced back. Kyon was staring at me.

"What?" I asked.

He stayed silent. I followed his gaze to see exactly where he was staring. He was looking at my ass. My face went red and I turned to face him.

"You're such a pervert." I yelled.

He simply smirked at me, making me go even more red.

"I hate you sometimes."

"I know." He muttered back to me. "But was there anything else that you did when you were out last night?" He said, suddenly serious.

"I went to see Mr Arakawa. I needed to ask him some questions."

"Oh, I see. What sort of things did you talk about?"

"About how he found me."

"Ah..." He paused. "Did he tell you anything else?"

"Like what?"

"Never mind. But I have to say that I saw you a few days after he found you... And... You looked really bad. Apparently not as bad as when you were found though "

"I know. He said how bad I looked. Apparently, almost dead."

"Yeah." He looked down at his feet. "But that's number 8... I guess."

"What is?"

"Reason 8 is that you..."

"I what."

"You're a good looking guy."

I froze in shock. Even when Kyon left the room, I remained still. I honestly had no idea how to react to what he had just said.

Why do I keep running from the truth?

All I ever think about is you.

You got me hypnotised,

So mesmerised,

And I just have to know...


	10. Chapter 10

I decided to take a quick walk after breakfast. I needed to clear my head. Clear it of all of the thoughts of last night and the statement I had heard earlier.

"I'm going out." I said to Kyon as I left the house. But as I tried closing the door, something stopped it. I looked up and saw Kyon's hand gripping the door.

"You're not going anywhere without me. Not today." He smirked.

"are you being a pervert or over protective?" I asked, quickly adding, "or both."

"I'm just trying to help." He replied, a more serious expression appearing on his face. I must admit, I was quite touched.

"Alright then... But not right now." I looked at him with an angry expression.

"Why?"

"Because I don't want you to come."

"Why?"

"This is private."

"Don't fight against me. I'm coming with you today."

I gave in. I sighed and let go of the door, allowing him to open it properly to step out. I turned away and headed in the direction of my secret place.

"Where are we going?" Kyon asked after a while.

"Nowhere." I answered.

"Not accepting that."

"Then accept it."

I was a few paces ahead of him, and all the way through the journey, I didn't turn back to look at him. Not even when I was talking to him.

After thirty more minutes, we finally arrived. I stopped and turned to face Kyon.

"We're here."

"This is it?"

"What do you mean "it"?"

He looked around.

"It's just nowhere in particular."

I looked around. We were in a small, grassy area, surrounded by a large circle of trees that bent over at the top, shading the whole area from the sun.

"Maybe to you." I snapped at him, "but this place is where I used to come to think as a kid."

I saw a slight smile appear on Kyon's face.

"So it's kind of nostalgic?"

I nodded.

"I see. Well that makes it special."

"To me."

"It is to me too then."

I smiled at him and sat down on a low wall. It was unstable and quite clearly falling apart, but it was stable enough to hold me.

"So this is your own little area?"

"Well other people do come here. It's not only mine." I admitted.

"Okay then." He now looked confused.

"But despite that, I've never shown anyone." I looked up at him, smiling and saying, "you're the first one I've lead here. Everyone else just stumbles across it."

He smiled back at me and sat beside me.

"So... Uhm." He stared, "how'd you find this place?"

"Same as everyone else. I just kind of found it."

"Oh."

There was a moment of silence. Until he broke it.

"I'm sorry."

I looked at him, confused. I saw that this time, he was the one crying.

"Why?" I asked.

"I'm sorry I didn't notice sooner." He muttered, trying desperately to wipe them away.

"Notice what?"

"That you were hurt and suffering."

I put my arm around his shoulder, smiling.

"It's okay."

"Reason number 9..."

"What is it?"

"You're a really nice guy. The world needs people like you."

"Like me?"

"The people that do t get mad when they know not to, the people that are the most supportive, the ones that have proven themselves pretty much completely selfless." He looked at me with caring eyes.

"Kyon..." I whispered. "Thank you for thinking so highly if me. But I don't deser-" I was cut off. It had happened again. Kyon had kissed me again! My face went completely red as he embraced me, passionately. As we embraced and as we kissed, I felt myself begin to cry with him. I couldn't hold the tears back. The tears if sadness, the tears if happiness. The tears that is held back for a long time, even since before I started all of this with my first attempt at suicide.

We finally pulled away from each other, taking large gasps of air as we parted. I felt something in my pocket vibrate as my phone started ringing. I reached in and grabbed it, flipping it open and reading the caller I.D.

"Asahina-San?"

"Huh?" Kyon looked over my shoulder at the screen.

"She's calling me."

"Well answer it."

I nodded at him and pressed the answer button.

"Hello? Asahina-San?"

"Hello Koizumi."

"Why did you call?"

"To see how you are of course."

"Oh, I'm alright."

"Really?"

"Yes."

"I'm just concerned. That and I still don't know why you were in hospital anyway, so I don't know if I could have helped or not."

I paused, remembering that I hadn't told anybody else.

"Asahina-San...?"

"Yes?"

"Could you get Suzumiya-San and Nagato-San. I'd like everyone to meet at my place tomorrow."

"Okay." I could hear the worry in her voice.

"Thank you."

"Goodbye then."

"Bye." I hung up.

"You're going to tell them?" Kyon asked.

"...Yes."

Night passed quickly and before I knew it, a new day had come. Everybody else had just arrived at my house.

"Well, all present and accounted for." Suzumiya-San muttered.

"Yeah." Asahina-San said.

I glanced at Kyon, who looked extremely pale.

"So, I needed to tell you all something." I looked around the room at everybody's concerned faces. All except Nagato-San, but that was to be expected from somebody that literally can't feel any kind of emotion.

"I was in hospital because..." I took one more look at Kyon, who nodded at me. I took a deep breath and got myself prepared for all possible reactions.

"Because I attempted suicide."

I heard the shocked and worried gasps from everybody in the room, bar Nagato-San and Kyon.

"K-Koizumi..." Asahina-San said in between her now shaky, crying breaths. She'd gone pale and tears where running down her face.

"I'm sorry Asahina-San." I looked down at the floor.

She stood up and walked over to me, giving me a small hug. I hugged her back, feeling her tears fall from her eyes and onto my clothes.

"B-but..." Suzumiya-San stared up at me, shocked. I simply looked at her with a sad expression. Asahina-San stepped back away from me, hastily drying her eyes on the sleeves of her sweater. In that moment, I didn't know what to do. I felt so stupid. I had only just realised that I truly did have people there for me. Why had I only just noticed.

"But I'm not going to do it ever again." I smiled at them.

Kyon looked at me with a part confused and a part happy expression. I simply nodded at him. He smiled and nodded back.

Asahina-San have me another hug. I, yet again, hugged her back, patting her head.

"Thanks to you guys." I whispered. "It's thanks to you that I can safely promise that I'll never resort to suicide again." I told them all, in a louder voice, ensuring they could all hear me.

The remainder of the day was us, all together. It was me explaining my reason to them all, but then, Suzumiya-San perked up.

"Enough of these soppy stories." She smiled, "let's all celebrate your recovery." She continued, turning to me.

Kyon placed a hand on my shoulder. "Yes. Let's do that."

"Alright." I nodded at them.

The celebration was us all, eating any kind of snacks I could find in the kitchen, and the occasional toast of glasses filled with a mixture of juices and other soft drinks. It was always Suzumiya-San making the toast.

"To Koizumi's recovery!" Or "To happiness and friendship!"

"And may we all be there for each other." Asahina-San said after the final toast.

I pretty much just continued to smile throughout the whole thing. And I could tell a certain someone wasn't happy about that.

After all of the snacks had been eaten, everybody began to leave. All except Kyon.

"Goodbye." Asahina-San smiled as she turned to leave. But then, she stopped and turned back to face me. "If you need help, I'll be here." She bowed, before turning and running off.

I shut the door behind her, sighing. I really was grateful. I turned around, to see Kyon standing there. He crossed his arms and glared at me.

"What?" I asked, confused.

"The smiling act..." He muttered.

"Oh... Sorry." I sighed.

He sighed back. "That was the reason for all of this."

"I know."

"But if you're truly happy, I won't complain." He turned his head to face away from me.

I gasped, shocked. I looked up at his face, seeing him blushing. I blushed too. He smiled and turned back to me. He took both my hands in his and pulled me closer to him. Eventually, he wrapped his arms around my waist.

"You're probably at the right weight now."

"Am I?"

"Maybe a little smaller." He leaned towards me even more.

"Oh really." I asked, putting my hands on his chest and trying to push him away. But with every push, his grip on me tightened.

"Yeah." He whispered, resting his head on my shoulder.

I stopped pushing and instead, wrapped my arms around his neck. He lifted his head off my shoulder and smiled at me, with the sweetest smile I've ever seen on his face.

"Reason 10..." Kyon started.

"Kyon, I don't need another reason. You heard me. I'm not going to try that ever again." I interrupted.

He leant in towards me, slowly pressing his lips against mine. I remained still, staring wide-eyed for a little bit, but eventually, I kissed him back. He pulled back and grinned, saying, "I love you."

My heart skipped beats as I was stuck in the moment. This moment that we shared. Tears welled up in my eyes as I was pulled into a tighter embrace.

"I love you too." I gasped through my crying breaths, a large smile appearing on my face.

Kyon eventually let go of me, looking straight at me. He cupped my face with his hands and smiled, gazing deep into my eyes.

"That's the smile I wanted to see." He whispered, wiping my tears away with his thumbs. "Come on." He nodded towards the stairs, taking my hand and leading me up them.

We got to my room and he took a seat on my bed. Kyon took my hand once again. He pulled me over towards him and sat me next to him.

"Are you serious?" I whispered.

"About how I feel?" He asked.

"Yes."

"Of course I am." He smiled at me.

We embraced and kissed once again. But this time, it all lasted longer. Kyon pushed me down, until I was lying on the bed beneath him and the whole time, we didn't break our embrace. It continued on like this, with him kissing me and me lying just beneath him for ages. I was grateful that this moment could last so long.

We did, however, eventually break apart our everlasting kiss. He held me tighter and leaned in to whisper in my ear.

" I love you."

It was then that it hit me. He'd been the one to keep me going this whole time. He'd been supportive, kind and an amazing person ever since we first met. I hadn't seen any of this before and that made me feel dumb. I guess I was blind back then. So blind that I'd miss something like this.

I held him tighter, trying to calm my rapidly beating heart, yet secretly I knew it was only making it worse. That was fine with me.

"I love you too." I whispered to him, feeling him grip me even tighter. I truly did.

I truly did love him.

But you know it's alright,

I came to my senses,

Let go of my defences.

There's no way I'm giving up this time.

Yeah, you know I'm right here,

I'm not loosing you this time.

And I'm all in,

Nothing left to hide,

I've fallen,

Harder than a landslide.

I spent a week away from you last night.

And now I'm calling,

Calling out your name.

Even if I lose the game,

I'm all in.

I'm all in tonight.

Yeah I'm all in,

I'm all in for life.


End file.
